


This Is How A Dream Ends

by skyclectic



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 07:56:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12766518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyclectic/pseuds/skyclectic
Summary: “Is this the reason why you want to terminate your contract?” the lawyer asks, riffling through the pages as Hankyung places the nameplate back on the desk.“Yes,” Hankyung confirms, shifting the nameplate so that it lies perfectly straight. He meets the lawyer’s gaze. “But I don’t want them to know.”





	This Is How A Dream Ends

**Author's Note:**

> Written and posted on helloparoxysm@livejournal on 27th January 2010.

_We all have reasons for leaving. I left -_

 

  **One.**  
  
“How was your training experience in Korea like? It must have been very difficult since you were in a country totally foreign to you,” the reporter asks, directing the question to Hankyung.   
  
Hankyung thinks for a second before raising the microphone to his lips.   
  
“Looking back on the experience I had, it actually wasn’t unbearable. If it weren’t for that experience, I’d not have the results that I have achieved today, and no one would know me.”   
  
Hankyung smiles before continuing. “So I am very thankful for that seemingly difficult period of time. It made me who I am today.”

 

**Two.**

“I’m sorry.”  
  
Hankyung grits his teeth. “How long?”   
  
“You must understand that even with treatment there might not – “  
  
“How long?” Hankyung cuts in, fighting to keep his voice from shaking. “How long do I have left?”  
  
The doctor hesitates before finally telling him.   
  
“Okay,” Hankyung chokes out, clutching onto the arms of his chair so hard his knuckles turn white. “ _Okay_.”

 

 

**Three.**

Hankyung doesn’t tell anyone. He keeps the report from the doctor hidden at the bottom of his underwear drawer and eats the pills at 4am in the morning when everyone is asleep.   
  
It takes 2 weeks before Siwon corners him in the kitchen after dinner. Hankyung catches a glimpse of the small bottle in Siwon’s left hand and panics.   
  
“It’s for muscle ache,” he blurts out before Siwon gets the chance to ask what a prescription bottle with his name is doing on top of his dresser.   
  
Hankyung almost drops the plate in his hands when Siwon’s frown deepens before he nods in understanding. “Can I have some, hyung? My shoulders are killing me.”  
  
Hankyung swallows and feels the bitter taste of guilt heavy on his tongue.

“Sure,” he manages to say around the lump in his throat. “I’ll – I’ll get some for you tomorrow, Siwon-ah.”  
  
The next day, Hankyung gives Siwon a bottle of aspirin he bought at the drug store a block away and carefully empties his prescription bottle. He drops the pills one by one into an empty Tic Tac box and keeps it in the front pocket of his sponsored Gucci bag.   
  
No one bats an eyelid every time he takes it out and dry-swallows a pill. 

 

 

**Four.**

Hankyung spreads out the medical reports on the mahogany desk in front of him and accidentally knocks off the brass nameplate near his elbow.  
  
**Lawyer Kim Jinwook** , it says neatly in block letters. Hankyung bends down to pick it up and sees his own face – dark circles under his eyes and chapped lips – reflected on its shiny surface.  
  
“Is this the reason why you want to terminate your contract?” the lawyer asks, riffling through the pages as Hankyung places the nameplate back on the desk.   
  
“Yes,” Hankyung confirms, shifting the nameplate so that it lies perfectly straight. He meets the lawyer’s gaze. “But I don’t want them to know.”

 

 

**Five.**

“Hyung, you’re back. Are you hungry? I made your favourite.”   
  
“It’s okay, Ryeowook-ah,” Hankyung offers up a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m not hungry.”  
  
Ryeowook frowns at him. “Hyung? Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” Hankyung forces himself to smile wide enough to show all his teeth. “I’m fine.”   
  
There is a sudden flurry of movement and Kyuhyun bursts out of his room yelling. Hankyung manages to catch his name and the words contract and termination before Kyuhyun runs back into his room. From where he is standing, Hankyung can see Kyuhyun unplugging his laptop – viciously yanking the plug out of its socket.  
  
Like the coward he is, he escapes to his room before Kyuhyun realizes he is standing only 2 feet away and begins demanding him for answers Hankyung cannot give without lying through his teeth.

 

**Six.**

_Even a beast don’t bite the hand that feeds one…_  
I can not understand…  
  
Hankyung doesn’t understand the words Kyuhyun posted on his cyworld and he opens up an online translator. As always, the grammar is off and the Chinese equivalent doesn’t really make much sense but Hankyung gets the gist of it anyway.  
  
He realizes he is shaking when he directs the cursor over to the left hand corner of the screen. It takes him four clicks before he manages to close the window and another two for him to log off.  
  
For the first time since the doctor told him, Hankyung lets himself fall apart – bit by bit – until his breath comes out in broken sobs and he is a mess of tears and broken dreams.

 

 **Seven.**  
  
To be honest, Hankyung had expected the phone call to come earlier.

Still, even though he had been expecting it all along, even though he knew the news was bound to bridge across the ocean to Seoul, his heart still catches in his throat when Heechul’s name pops up on the caller id.  
  
He fumbles and almost drops the phone before cradling it against his ear.  
  
“Tell me it isn’t true,” Heechul bites out, his voice hard.   
  
“Heechul, I-“  
  
“ _Tell me it isn’t true,_ ” Heechul repeats and his voice cracks slightly at the last word.  
  
Hankyung feels tears prickling the corners of his eyes and his vision blurs. Pain – sharp and unforgiving – throbs against his ribcage and for a second, Hankyung cannot remember how to breathe.   
  
“ _Tell me_ , Hankyung,  _god damn it_ , fucking tell me it isn’t true and it’s just a rumor a fucking anti made up.” There is a clear tone of desperation underlying his words and it presses into Hankyung’s eardrums.  
  
Hankyung closes his eyes and holds onto the phone for dear life.

 “I – I can’t,” he whispers, and lets the tears run freely down his cheeks.   
  
Heechul hangs up before Hankyung gets a chance to say he’s sorry. 

 

**Eight.**

**Jaejoong:** (picks up) Hello?   
  
**Hankyung:** Jaejoong-ah, it’s me.   
  
**Jaejoong:** Hankyung? Is that you?  
  
**Hankyung:** Yeah. Yeah it’s me. Listen, I’m sorry. For calling so late.  
  
**Jaejoong:** It’s okay. I just got off the phone with Hyunjoong.  
  
**Hankyung:** Oh. How is he? Haven’t heard from him in a while.  
  
**Jaejoong:** Fine. He’s fine. Filming a new drama apparently. Another one with a clichéd plot and F4 looking cast members.  
  
**Hankyung:** Hmm. It’ll probably start off another craze then. (clears throat) Anyway, how have you been? Haven’t heard from you in a while either.  
  
**Jaejoong:** (snorts) You never pick up my calls so the blame’s all on you, hyung. And things are like how they’ve always been. Crazy schedules and 4 hours of sleep a night. Same old same old. (pause) But you didn’t call to talk about me, hyung.   
  
**Hankyung:** …Not really  
  
**Jaejoong:** Yeah I figured that was the case. (pause) So, how are you doing? Really.  
  
**Hankyung:** (silence)  
  
**Jaejoong:** Hyung? Are you still there?  
  
**Hankyung:** I’m – I’m fin – I (clears throat again) Jaejoong-ah, is it – does it always – hurt this bad?  
  
**Jaejoong:** (long pause) It’s been close to half a year for us and I still haven’t spoken to Yunho or Changmin longer than 10 minutes. I don’t even know where they are half the time. And we’re promoting in Japan. _Together._  
  
**Hankyung:** I’m sorry. It’s just – I – I just can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I –  
  
**Jaejoong:** (interrupting) Hyung. I’m not the one who needs to hear what you have to say.

 

**Nine.**

The first time Hankyung leaves his room in days, he gets a voice message from Kibum. He is confused when Kibum only says seven words –  _He cried. You should be sorry, hyung_  – before hanging up.   
  
When it sinks in half a second later, something in his heart clots and he doesn’t breathe until he has the browser window open and sees the pictures for himself.   
  
Hankyung cannot bring himself to look at Heechul’s tear-stained face longer than two seconds. He furiously begins clicking until he stumbles across a picture of all of them at the end of the concert he didn’t go to.   
  
Heechul is dry-eyed and the smile on his face is wide enough to show all his teeth.   
  
It doesn’t make the pain in Hankyung’s chest hurt any less. 

 

**Ten.**

The first thing Hankyung sees when he wakes up is his own face, smiling at him from the wall opposite his bed. His hair is blonde and he has his arm slung comfortably over Siwon’s shoulder.   
  
Hankyung gets out of bed and stands in front of the framed picture. He traces the edge of his smile with his finger and doesn’t think about it when he takes it down from its hook.   
  
Later, he takes a box and dumps all the rolled up posters and pictures he can find around the house inside it.   
  
He takes a black marker and carefully labels the box in bold letters –  **MEMORIES**.   
  
He puts it inside the storeroom under a rolled up carpet and pretends not to hear when his mum asks about the empty picture frames. 

 

**Eleven.**

It is raining heavily and lightning occasionally cleaves the sky in two, accompanied by distant rumbles of thunder. Hankyung watches from the hospital bed, his arm hooked to an IV line that is steadily dripping fluid into his bloodstream.   
  
The door to his room suddenly bangs open and his lawyer enters in a flurry. He catches Hankyung’s eye and nods before shrugging off his rain-drenched coat and taking a seat in the chair beside his bed.   
  
“It’s crazy out there. I thought I was almost going to die when the cab driver skidded on the road.” the lawyer says, eyeing the storm outside the window warily.   
  
Hankyung blinks and the older man tears his gaze away from the window. He takes in the sight of Hankyung lying on the bed, connected to various beeping machines and an oxygen mask over his face and sighs.  
  
Methodically, the lawyer begins extracting paper after paper from his briefcase and spreads them out on the blanket.   
  
Hankyung frowns as he tries to reads them – he doesn’t understand half of the Korean words before him and looks to the lawyer for an explanation.   
  
“It means you won,” the older man says bluntly.   
  
Hankyung struggles to remove the oxygen mask over his face. His voice comes out hoarse. “I won? So that means that – “  
  
“That means you’re free, yes.”   
  
The lawyer leaves over an hour later after having gone through all the necessary documents and legal proceedings with him. Hankyung puts his mask back on and unfolds the letter the other man slipped into his hand before leaving.  _(Take this; it’s a letter for you.)_  
  
There are only 3 words in the letter –  _Hyung, Hwaiting! Saranghae_  – and there is no name signed at the end of the page, just a tiny drawing of a fish at the bottom corner.   
  
Hankyung refolds the letter and places it under his pillow. He resumes watching the storm outside his window, blinking back tears and forcing himself not to cry. 

 

**Twelve.**

_Hi, this is Kim Heechul. I’m busy right now. Here comes the beep, hopefully you know what to do with it._  –  **Beep.**  
  
“It’s me. I – I just – need you to know. I need you to know that – that – I’m sorry. I’m sorry. And I – I love you. Always.”

 

**Thirteen.**

He stays still, feet rooted to the ground, even as the rest of them start to make their way back. He ignores the concerned gazes some of them send his way and concentrate instead on the Chinese characters lining the edge of the marble tombstone.   
  
He only turns when one of them calls his name in a splintered voice, raw from all the crying. “Hyung, we need to go or we’ll miss the plane.”  
  
He merely nods, focusing now on the tiny picture engraved in the center of the marble. He stares at it and only lets himself break when everyone else is gone and he is the only one left.   
  
The tears fall faster and faster, staining his cheeks and pooling near his feet. He falls down to his knees, sobs racking his chest and he struggles to breathe. He cries until he runs out of breath and his eyes turn blood-shot.  
  
He is still gasping when he begins to sing. One of their early songs from when they first debuted, back when they were all still young and foolish enough to believe they were invincible.   
  
The words get caught in his throat and the song is broken in too many places from his sobs but still, he sings –  _I love you baby and I’m never gonna stop, Life couldn’t get better._  
  
He ends the song and with trembling hands, takes out his cellphone. It takes him 5 tries before the message plays.   
  
_It’s me. I – I just – need you to know. I need you to know that – that – I’m sorry. I’m sorry. And I – I love you. Always._  
  
His vision begins to blur again as he carefully leans forward and brushes his lips against the cold, unforgiving stone. He tastes the salty tang of his tears as he whispers,  _I love you too._    


_\- Not because I wanted to, but because there was no other way._

 


End file.
